I’m Back. (Life update)

Hello everyone.

I would like to say thank you to the people who still follow my blog. I haven’t been on here in a very long time and I think it’s time that I begin writing again. I have been going through quite a bit of things but that isn’t the reason I quit writing on here. I quit because I become depressed and uninterested in my own writing. I know it sounds like an excuse but that’s the reason.

Some things in my life that happened during the time I was away are pretty intense to me and they came unexpectedly. (TRIGGER WARNING: Drug abuse, OD, Death, Anxiety, depression, Funerals, Grieving, Cancer,)

Well first of all my grandmother went to the hospital because she wasn’t getting any better, everyone thought she had the flu. So they take her to keep an eye on her, they eventually find that she had Aggressive Lung Cancer and it was spreading throughout her whole body. We all knew what that meant seeing as she was getting older anyways and the hospital wouldn’t put her as a priority since she is older. But they were caring and decided to put her in the Hospice. That was hard. At times she seemed to get better but we knew it was the drugs talking.

As that was happening, one day I get a call from my mother telling me that I needed to come back home and that my cousin had just Overdosed. I wasn’t thinking nothing of it because I’ve been to the hospital so many times over one of my family members. But then my mother said, “His body is being moved to the mortuary,” My heart sank because not only was my grandmother dying but now my cousin who I grew up with just passed away. I could only think one thing, ‘What is my aunt going to do?’ This thought is brought out because several years before she lost her other son to a car wreck. It didn’t seem fair that she would loose both of her sons, and then turn around that she is also loosing her mother.

Well that happened and we went to the funeral dressed in our best clothes. I had to watch on as my aunt and uncle grieves for their only son left. While I had no time to grieve that was until I looked up at the pictures being shown of my cousin. There I was as a baby in a stroller as my cousin is giving me my precious stuffed Barney. So I cried until I couldn’t anymore.

After the funeral we went home, just as soon as we got home we get a call that we need to come to the hospice care quick that my grandmother was on the brink of death. My heart was shattering and I was worried about my father who was keeping a brave face on the whole time. Not the mention my grandfather who had no clue what was happening because he still thought she was just sick. We didn’t want to tell him the truth even though it was inevitable. But I’ll tell you that later. We get to the hospice care center and she is barely holding on. But my grandmother is the biggest fighter you would ever learn about. So we waited.

She died the next day and questions about funeral costs, insurance, flowers, arrangements….so on and on came up. We were all just so tired and in the grieving process. Thankfully my uncle helped with everything he could but most the answers he needed were from her four children. My two aunts are strong women but they both fainted, my dad and uncle are amazing men but…this is their mother.

At the end the funeral was beautiful but I didn’t shred a tear until we had to say goodbye. Goodbye; to this woman I’ve known for all my live, Goodbye; to a woman I share a birthday with, Goodbye; to this amazing woman that almost raised me herself. The emotions just poured out of me.

Now you are probably wondering about my grandfather now. You see he has dementia and we did tell him about my grandmother; his wife. But the next day he forgot and we had to tell him again. It’s breaking someone’s heart over and over again. I couldn’t handle it. But it finally set in his mind because he made it to the funeral…and at this time is the absolute first time I have ever seen my grandfather cry.

Other stuff has been happening but those are the main things that happened. I just want to say. If you aren’t close with a family member just try to get to know them. You never know when they just won’t be there anymore and you’ll miss your chance.

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Eyes Staring Back at Me

I feel them watching my every move.

They see me through the walls.

I’ll never look again, I swear.

When I go outside they are there.

I’m frightened, scared…

They penetrate my thoughts.

I can’t sleep.

No one believes me.

The forest is black and I see eyes staring back at me.

Is it just paranoia?

Is it inside my head?

Am I crazy?

I see them there across from me.

Those eyes.

Unnerving

Unsettling.

The nightmares are getting worse.

Is this real?

Eyes are still there…

Watching me.

Just waiting…

Journal Prompt #1: What is your favorite movie, and why?

First off I would like to say something first, I’ll be choosing two of my favorite movies because I can’t just pick one and you’ll see why once I get into the prompt. I know it’s sort of cheating but like I said you’ll see why.

The first movie that I am choosing is The Lion King.

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The reason why it’s one of my all time favorites is mainly because it reminds me so much of my childhood. I remember sitting in front of the television as a kid, singing and speaking every single word to the movie. I think my parents loathed the movie at the time because I asked them so many times to put the VHS in the VCR, rewind it and then continue to watch it with me. They have told me on many occasions that they had the movie memorized just as I did.

But the thing is, it’s not one of my favorite films just because of nostalgia. Honestly it’s an amazing movie, I would 100% recommend watching this movie with a child. You watch their faces when the movie just starts. It has one of the best beginning sequences in a movie I have ever seen. It’s gorgeous. The story itself is compelling as well, I mean I’ve watched it a billion times and I still get into it. Plus the songs are amazing! Really I bet you know at least one Lion King song.

And now you are probably wondering what the other movie is, well this is totally different from the first film. You may then ask yourself what could be the equal to a movie so brilliant as The Lion King? Then I would say: The Shawshank Redemption.

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This movie, to me, is perfect. The movie has everything you could ever want in film. You have a mysterious murder, drama, feel good moments, parts that will make you so angry you could punch the screen, and you also have scenes that’ll make you bawl your eyes out. You get so involved with the characters of this film, you just can’t help get emotional when something happens to them. You have all that in one film, then you have the ending…I can’t even tell you how much I loved the ending. If you haven’t watched this film, please do.

(Side note: Please be warned there are scenes in this movie that may trigger some people so do your research if you are sensitive to certain things.)

In conclusion, I am a big movie fan. I love many, many movies, I pick these two specifically because they truly are amazing movies. I love just sitting down and watching them no matter how many times…they never get old. I would love to hear what your favorite movies are, I love talking about them. Thank you so much for reading, until next time. See you later!

(I do not own these pictures)

Not So Innocent (Part 5)

In my tiny apartment back home, I stare intently at the piece of paper left hanging on my equally as tiny refrigerator. As frustrated as I was I kept a level head while reading it.

A.

I know you must be pissed but something has come up and I need you to meet up with a colleague of mine at the Roadside Café at 7am tomorrow morning. This lifestyle we live is becoming more dangerous and this is why I stopped your previous job. Someone who I have known for many years has betrayed my trust, this is why you must meet my trusted colleague. He goes by the name Raven and you will know him when you see him. This meeting is important and must happen.

R.  

Never in the five years I’ve known R. has he ever have me meet another “friend” of his. Something must be going wrong for him to pull this shit. Plus I have some questions of my own and this Raven fellow is the perfect person to ask them. He seems to know R. pretty well if the big boss himself says he trusts him. Well he calls him his trusted colleague for a reason, right?

 

End of Introduction. (The next parts of the story are going to be longer, and get into more detail about the main character, like what she does, back story…her job etc. So hopefully that’ll come soon.)

To Be Continued…

Not So Innocent (Part 4)

The Denver terminal is packed with so many people that it makes my head spin with unease, when I say I’m not a people person…I mean it. I usually do my job and go home, but this is a special case. My boss; whom I’ve never met before, told me that I’m to trail a certain person, which in this case, it’s mama’s boy serial killer.

At the moment he is sitting directly beside the women’s bathroom looking shady as fuck. So unprofessional, what a shame I was actually impressed with this guy until now. Mister Lady Killer is an impatient shell of a man.

I take a look at my phone for a second just to make sure that I didn’t have an messages just in case the big boss tells me something different.

Two things: One, my boss is a grade A dick. Two I’m now out of this job. He sent me a message as soon as I landed telling me I’m dismissed from this job.

He didn’t even explain why…

So now I get to watch as this idiot of a man, creep along to stalk down the thinking lady. And I can’t do a damn thing but watch him walk away.

Damn you .R.

To Be Continued….

(By the way as a side note I should really get a picture for this series.)

Not So Innocent(Part 3)

The beat up plane skids to a stop on the tarmac, safe and sound; just like I knew it would. But the people are being over dramatic; like all humans seem to be. I sit and watch as they pull out their phones, typing an endless message or try to call their “so called” loved ones.

All these tears and a choked off conversations are making me ill. They are lying, well some are…some are actually not doing it for the attention they always seem to seek.

I turn away from those people and start to watch the serial killer to see what he would do. He is, of course, staring at the thinking woman as she sobs into the phone to her poor pitiful husband and neglected children. His eyes are cornered to her, thinking:

“Will this woman fall back into her bad habit of neglecting her children? Or will this dire situation cause her to change her ways?”

I know the answer. I have said it before. But he has researched this woman. From her hobbies to her hidden secrets that she has never told even her lover…scratch that ‘lovers’. He probably knows her better than most people learn about their own family members. I still know she will right her wrongs.

The murderer is an intelligent fellow…maybe I won’t have to interfere…well….I will have to, it is my job after-all.

I’ll just keep an eye on him for the time being…

To Be Continued…

Continued from Not So Innocent: Letter to Home

Dear Mother,

I’m on this Godforsaken plane with a bunch of strangers that I don’t know. Well you know that I know people in my own way, just not personally. I’m not the type of person who just makes friends; in my mind I have a lot of them.

People’s mind speak out to me, but you know that…it comes to me like a dream. I close my eyes and picture the person and….

 

To be continued….(Short but it’s part of the story)

Not So Innocent

The lightning strikes beautifully against the darkness of the never-ending night. Her plane drifts through those same clouds like a ship on rough waters. The woman sitting next to me heads spinning with all the possibilities of what could happen; most of them are of the worst situations anybody could ever think of.

She was lost in her own train of thought when the lights overhead blinked out in caution. The other frightened passengers tried their best to keep calm but like the thinking woman, they knew the odds of them getting out of this alive.

Two seats over from the thinking woman, is a man; to anyone he would seem to be the most average person in this entire world. But if you really knew him, even more so than his own mother; who he is very attached to, then you would see a man who has taken the lives of a countless number of women. Not just any woman off the street, no he does his research thoroughly. He chooses his victims by how they treat their children.

The abusive, neglectful women who would take their anger out on their innocent children. He hated them with all his heart…his thoughts are clear. Sure I don’t blame this man; this murderer, but these women deserve something more than death. They should have their children taken away and rot in a jail cell for all their lives. Then even when they are dead, their souls go straight to Hell where it belongs.

He isn’t innocent but he has his reasons.

The plane jerks sideways and the passengers take a collective gasp as the oxygen bags come dangling down from the ceiling. I roll my eyes at the contraptions. This won’t help these people.

I turn my thoughts to the thinking woman who has now started breathing hard into the bag. She closes her eyes begging for forgiveness…

Oh how interesting. She cheats on her husband and neglects her children. What a coincidence. I grin to myself as the plane rocks back and forth.

No these people all have one thing in common: they deserve this. But I know one thing they don’t…they will survive. Sure the big guy, hyperventilating into his oxygen mask, sweating like someone has him by the balls, clenching his chest..is going to have a heart attack but he’ll be fine. There is a doctor in the next row up; a Quack doctor. He still knows what to do for the man though.

That’s the thing though, they deserve this scare. You know why? Well because stuff like this changes your perspective on life.

The thinking lady going to Denver for a “business trip”?
She’ll get a flight right back to Chicago to her husband and kids, never to cheat again.

The heart attack guy?
He will lose a few pounds and start dieting to help his health.

The quack doctor?
He will become someone excelling in the best hospital in New York.

The Serial Killer?
Well he will kill again, and that’s exactly why I’m here, sitting in the dark where no one can see me. Even if they could see me, they wouldn’t think nothing of the girl in row 6 with oxygen mask around her face and looking just as panicky as any other person on this Godforsaken plane.

To be continued…..

The First Time I Went to Bonnaroo.

Before I get started I would like to explain what Bonnaroo is. Bonnaroo is a music festival that is more like a community of people who live together for four days who also enjoys listening to random bands on the stage while getting cooked in the sun most the time. But more than that it’s a place where you can enjoy music, food, art and the people around you.

Honestly the first time I went, it was overwhelming and I didn’t take many pictures. I didn’t know what to expect. Sure I read all that I needed to know but once you are there all that goes out of your mind. I was very stupid and I didn’t put on a lot of sun block. (Note to everyone who is going to Bonnaroo, please put on sun block even if you are trying to tan.)

The best day was the very first day my boyfriend and I got there. We set up our tent and headed to Centeroo which is where all the bands were playing. We picked a stage and stayed there all day. We got to see Glass Animals, DMA’s, Ryn Weaver, and Temples that day and it was amazing! (Even though I threw up red Gatorade….it was okay though I had a good time anyways.)

The second day is when they opened the gates so we could run to the What Stage….yes you literally run when they open the gates. It was like the running with the bulls except this was more intense. Everyone wanted to get into the pit for their favorite band. I couldn’t blame them because I did the exact same thing. So I got in line for the pit to see Deadmau5. But in line we got to see Soja, Dawes, Alabama Shakes, and Kendrick Lamar. Let me tell you! Alabama Shakes was amazing I swear I still get goosebumps thinking about how beautifully haunting Brittany Howard’s voice was. And her guitar skills were simply astonishing.

Sadly though my boyfriend got pushed into the pit for Kendrick Lamar while I was all alone in the line for Deadmau5. But I mean it’s Kendrick Lamar so no harm, no foul.

I finally get into the pit, front row. People have their Mouse heads on that they created themselves. I thought that was pretty impressive! But the bad part was that I got a sunburn and the Styrofoam from their mouse heads was constantly rubbing it. Thankfully though the guy beside me gladly gave me a water he had extra.

After that I had to find my boyfriend…yep. Find him in the 80k people that was there. So I did what I had to do and headed to our tent. I found him walking towards it but ya know what’s funny is that both of us go wide eyed (It’s our first time at a music festival, just sayin) when we see this naked guy on the ground beside the cops on horses, tripping balls on LSD. I went passed him trying my best not to laugh my ass off because he was seriously out of it.

The food there is great, not that I ate much that year because I was pretty naive in my ways of thinking about things that year. I do love the lemonade there though!

Well the next day I woke up and for some reason my eyes felt itchy. I kept putting it off but then my boyfriend woke up the first time he looked at me was panic. He told me that my whole face was swelled up. He kept asking me if I was alright and if we needed to leave. I kept saying I was okay…but what finally broke the straw was that the people next to us were leaving and they commented on how bad my face looked and I needed to go see a doctor.

So that was the end of our Bonnaroo journey that year and it made me feel terrible. But on the bright side we stopped at the store before we left and they had Surge there!

At the end I enjoyed myself and if it wasn’t for a Medical Emergency I would’ve had ten times more fun. If you are on the fence about going, please do just for the experience alone. I had a blast and the year after this I went back!

Life of a Child (in my eyes)

 “I tried my best!” She yelled.”I’m not lying!” She protested.

“Why don’t you believe me?” She asked. 
I’ve heard these at least a hundred times and every time you say them I think of all the times I watched you lie to me. 
“You don’t love me anymore!” He screamed.

“Stop doing this to us!” He cried. 

“Why can’t you stop?” He pleaded. 
I’ve heard these words at least a thousand times and every time you say them I think of all the times I watched your heart break. 
“I’m sorry.” Is an excuse. 

“I won’t do it anymore.” Is a lie. 

“Can I have some money? 

Can I please have some money?!” 
Daddy what happened? 

Daddy it’s ok. 

Dad are you listening? 

Dad it’s okay. 
Mommy what’s wrong? 

Mommy are you okay? 

Mom do you care? 

Mom please wake up. 
“911 what’s your emergency?”

“I think my mom overdosed…again.” 
“Daddy I couldn’t help her, what if she’s not okay?” 

“She’s fine.” 
“I tried my best!” She yelled. 

“You don’t love me anymore!” He screamed. 

“Daddy what happened?” 

“Mommy what’s wrong?”

“I’m not lying!” She protested. 

“Stop doing this to us!” He cried. 

“Daddy it’s Ok.”

“Mommy are you okay?” 

“Why don’t you believe me?” She asked. 

“Why can’t you stop?” He pleaded. 
“Dad are you listening?”

“Mom do you care?” 

“Dad it’s okay.”
“Mom please wake up…”